10 Ways to Irritate Anyone


Okay, let’s be frank here. Most of us have in some way consciously or subconsciously irritated someone and if for some reason you have never done this (are you sure you’re a human?) than you are missing out on a whole lot of fun but you’ve probably encountered some or all of these. To all those new to the art of irritation, I welcome you.

1) the 5 Ws and the 1 H (why, who, when, what, where and how)
The simplest and most efficient way of irritating someone is asking them questions. For instance:

Mum: I had gone to the market
Me: Why?
Mum: To buy groceries.
Me: Why?
Mum: Because there were none.
Me: Why?
Mum : Cause they were all used up.
me: (You’ve guessed it) Why?
Mum: Cause we need food. You ask me ‘why’ again and I shall beat you with this spatula!
Me: (backing away a safe distance and then in a whisper) why (before I run for my life)

At this point I realise I’ve been amiss as I haven’t warned you that this approach almost always ends in some threat of physical violence and if you aren’t fast enough you are gonna get beaten up, especially if you have Indian parents and you try this on them.

2) Talking Waaaaay Toooooo Sllllooooww
Okay I’m not referring to any speech disorder that makes a person speak slowly. I’m talking about an average person who deliberately slows down his speech. Another version of this is not getting to the point or rambling about. You’ve probably realised by now that I know what I’m talking about.
For example your brother calls urgently and asks you to see if he has left a green file on his desk. You can clearly see the file cause of course you’ve got the neatest brother in the whole world (which of course means I’m the messy one. . . I mean come on, I’m just maintaining the balance of nature here. . . you’re welcome universe). Alright where was I? Yes. . . file on desk . . . just ramble about the weather (my favourite topic for small talk) or your work and just drag out your answers.

3) Walking/Driving Slowly
So there’s a couple of people you want to irritate walking/ driving behind you. All you have to do is slow down and enjoy the scenery. This works especially well on narrow lanes and busy roads (yes, I know. . . I’m evil).

4) Imitation
You know how they say imitation is the best form of flattery? What they don’t tell you is that it is also one of the best ways of irritating a person, except of course if you are an adorable kid in which case you don’t need any of these tips, just be yourself! You’re a natural!

5) Noise
Remember the days when you were first learning a musical instrument, unless you were a prodigy you probably created some not-so-musical notes. Anything along those lines is bound to irritate people. If you aren’t musically inclined try the drums. You can turn almost anything into your personal drunk kit. Go wild!

6) Hide Stuff
We’ve all probably done this. . . . no? Just me? Alright than . . . so you’re annoyed at your dad for some reason, just hide his shoes, make sure you hide them somewhere close to their original place so when he finally finds them he just assumes he kept them there himself by mistake. Muhahaha. . .

7) Wasting Time
So your friend is picking you up for a meeting and you want to irritate him? Just make him wait. Take your time getting ready, play with your dog some more, take a shower once he gets there. You can get real creative with this one.

Yeah! You just felt a tinge of annoyance there didn’t you? So send a whole lot of texts to your friend in uppercase about the most mundane topics.

9) Spelling Mistakes
If English is your first language or your primary means of communication you probably know that the there’s something so wrong in a badly spelt text. Lets just admit it guys, we are all Grammar Nazis, some more outspoken than others. So send a badly spelt text.

10) Re-arranging Home Screens
If you’ve ever given your phone to a child in a bid to distract them you know this works. For this to work all you have to do is get your hands (or thumbs, rather) on their phone and then the sky is the limit. You can also re-name their contacts to more suitable names.
So go on and spread some irritation because you know you want to and its good for your mental well-being (that’s a fact) and more importantly, who ever you want to irritate they’ve got it coming! Have fun!

The above material it is to be used at your own peril. The author will not be liable nor bear any responsibilities arising in course or out of the use of any of the aforementioned tips. Readers’ discretion is advised.